Or: The 5 Things I Hate About Moving My Bowels in the Wee Hours of the Morning

I wake from sugar-coated slumber and head to the john in a semi-stupor. It’s the spasms that tell me I’m about to take a really toxic dump. From the cold feel of it in my belly, I assume it will immediately be a loose bowel movement in F-minor. I am slightly mistaken. It starts out solid, then steadily decreases in density.

At least, my poop is a healthy shade of brown instead of the usual somber moss green/black combination that comes with my loose bowel episodes. This informs me further that my situation is not due to rotten food. In fact, I’m not really sure WHY i have loose bowels. Though the analysis is not what bothers me most.

The big problem with waking up in the middle of the night to take a crap is that:

1. You will usually have loose bowels

2. Your stomach knows it must go, but the nervous system isn’t warmed up yet, so you spend a few minutes on the throne hoping the crap comes out of your rear end, ASAP! And of course it never does. So…

3. You get a really COLD sweat going. It clogs the pores on your brow. It’s your body telling you that there are toxins in hte system. It’s a warning signal, a physiological intruder alert. And then, of course…

4. You’re sitting on the bowl, and you’re practically HALF-ASLEEP! You close your eyes every now and then and it becomes unclear whether you’re losing consciousness as a direct reaction to the toxic waste wanting to exit the escape hatch OR you’re simply too sleepy to stay awake…were it not for the pain.

Last night however, I came upon a totally new sensory experience to add to the total package.

5. You’re not sure whether you want to vomit the toxins out or simply sit still and wait for the movement.

That’s when it hit me.

This was some food-related crisis. Maybe the daing na bangus I had for dinner or the wasabe nuts I had afterwards with my wife. Anyway the feeling of acidic burning–that desire to vomit which came as I sat on the throne– told me my body could not handle something. Good thing the crap finally decided to let loose. And after a while I felt less sickly, lost all desire to upchuck, and was finally able to go back to sleep.

 

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